I Need Support in Postpartum. Where is my Postpartum "Village"?
- Dot Golini
- Aug 13
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 3
Everyone talks about having a “village”, but no one talks about HOW to do that. Leaving me to ask myself “do I even really need one? I mean, I hate asking for help, I don’t like people saying they are going to do something and not do it, and I would prefer to just handle everything myself.
The truth is most of us who think like this are the exact type of moms and dads that need the village the most. Independent, hardworking, self-reliant, resilient, disciplined and conscientious are great words to describe someone seeking a job but may not be the best to describe a parent in the trenches of postpartum. Flexible, collaborative, expressive, appreciative, trusting and vulnerable are the better words used to describe a parent with an effective village. If those adjectives made you pucker your lips and roll your eyes, you should probably stop reading. Because creating this important village that is deeply needed to set the tone of how you thrive in postpartum will take work to build. I, of course know with 100% certainty you can do it, but you must first believe that you need it and can build it too. It will take work, maybe some uncomfortable conversation and necessary boundaries with overzealous family members, however it will set you up with a village that puts you and your needs at the center so that you can really focus on baby from the moment they arrive.
So, let’s get into the nitty gritty. Why is a village so important? Now I could site some really great studies (they will be linked below) however let’s talk real life. Parents go home with their baby, especially first-time parents and are put through what I like to call “postpartum bootcamp”. Baby has arrived on earth and has their own schedule. They eat when they want, sleep when they want, poop when they want and cry when they want. They don’t know or care if mommy didn’t sleep last night, if daddy had to work today or if the sun is up/down. It almost feels like we are at their mercy and maybe we are. So, let’s plan what we can and flow with what we can’t. We can plan who makes the household meals, who will come and be with baby (even if baby is asleep) for an hour or two and who will come to take and sit with us while we have a good cry while all our hormones are crashing.
Have you ever heard of the 5-5-5 rule? It’s a modern rule with roots in the Chinese, Mexican and Indian traditional postpartum practices that encourages rest, relaxation and healing for the first 15 days after you come home with the baby. The first 5 days are spent IN bed. Mom/Birthing person focuses on rest, staying in bed, prioritizing sleep, breast feeding and bonding with baby. The next five day are spent ON the bed. Mom/Birthing person stays around the bed, spend time sitting up and enjoys quiet moments with family. The last 5 days are spent NEAR the bed. Mom/Birthing person start to do normal routines and avoids overexertion. Now I know in modern day U.S. this may not be 100% doable, however let’s aim to get closer to 100% than to 0%. This rule helps mom/birthing person and the community know that we are focused on healing, bonding with the baby, and essential rest. Notice, how the rule doesn’t include bombardment of all family members at your house or passing the baby around like a hot potato. The first few weeks are to be slow moving. It's an integration of a new member of the family that requires peace, patience and flow.
So, to wrap it up, because I feel like this has gone on and on, the diagram below shows the key players that an effective villages needs to work. Mom/birthing person at the center and the chosen few for a specific task all around supporting and holding them while mom/birthing person holds baby.
If you have no idea where to start or would like me to hold your hand as you began this journey, the free “CREATING YOUR (POSTPARTUM) VILLAGE” checklist below will help you get started.
If you want to dive deeper, understand how to pick each of the key players, how to ask them to be in your village and how to pivot if need be then the E-book is for you.
Helpful Links to see what science says:
ACOG, The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Optimizing Postpartum Care.
NIH, National Library of Medicine, Social support during the postpartum period: Mothers’ views on needs, expectations, and mobilization of support.
NIH, National Library of Medicine, Maternal Sleep Patterns and Parenting Quality during Infants’ First 6 Months
International Breastfeeding Journal, Infant feeding pattern in the first six months of age in USA: a follow-up study.
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