The Struggle of Unlearning Patriarchy: Embracing the Nurturing Self in Motherhood

Motherhood often feels like stepping into a new world that challenges everything a woman has been taught about herself and her role. This transformation is not just about caring for a child; it is an internal unlearning of the values and expectations imposed by patriarchy. The journey toward becoming a nurturing, empathetic, and flowing version of oneself can be difficult because it requires shedding deeply ingrained beliefs and behaviors. Many women face postpartum struggles because their external world demands this new self, while their internal conditioning resists the change.

Understanding the Conflict Between Patriarchy and Motherhood

Patriarchy teaches women to prioritize strength, independence, and control—qualities often valued in public and professional life. Motherhood, on the other hand, calls for vulnerability, patience, and deep emotional connection. This clash creates an internal conflict. Women are expected to be strong providers and caretakers simultaneously, but the nurturing self requires surrendering control and embracing flow.

This internal-external mismatch can cause feelings of confusion, frustration, and isolation. For example, a new mother might feel pressured to return quickly to work or maintain a perfect household while also being told to "bond naturally" with her baby. These conflicting demands can make postpartum adjustment overwhelming.

The Process of Unlearning

Unlearning patriarchy means questioning the beliefs that have shaped a woman’s identity for years. It involves recognizing that the qualities patriarchy values are not the only way to be strong or successful. Instead, strength can come from empathy, care, and emotional openness.

Here are some practical steps women can take to support this unlearning process:

• Reflect on personal beliefs: Identify which expectations come from societal norms rather than personal values.

• Practice self-compassion: Allow space for mistakes and growth without harsh judgment.

• Embrace vulnerability: Share feelings openly with trusted friends, family, or professionals.

• Prioritize rest and self-care: Recognize that nurturing oneself is essential to nurturing others.

• Seek supportive communities: Connect with other mothers who share similar experiences and values.

  
  

This process is not linear. It takes time and patience to shift from a mindset shaped by patriarchy to one aligned with the natural rhythms of motherhood.

Why Postpartum Can Be Especially Challenging

Postpartum is a critical period when the internal-external mismatch becomes most apparent. The body is healing, hormones fluctuate, and the demands of caring for a newborn are intense. At the same time, societal expectations often push women to "bounce back" quickly or hide their struggles in an effort to achieve that picture perfect "after baby glow".

This pressure can lead to feelings of inadequacy and isolation. Many women experience postpartum depression or anxiety, which research links to the stress of navigating these conflicting roles. Roles that are primarily decided and implicated by social norms, cultural standards or gender rules. Understanding that the feelings of "pull & tug" are common and rooted in a larger social context can help reduce shame, guilt and embarrassment and encourage seeking support.

Practical ways to ease postpartum challenges include:

• Asking for help without guilt

• Setting realistic expectations for yourself and for those around you

• Creating a nurturing environment at home for yourself 1st and for baby 2nd

• Engaging in gentle physical activity when ready (walking, dancing, stretching)

• Consulting healthcare providers for emotional, physical and mental support

• Eating nutritious foods that nourish the body, mind and soul (clean eating)

• Connecting with the earth and earth elements (grass, water, plants, people)

• Being honest about how you feel and think

  
  

Recognizing that motherhood is a profound transformation that requires a complete integration of self helps reframe postpartum difficulties as part of a necessary unlearning and growth process.

The Process of Relearning

Imagine having to live with someone who you must protect, provide and educate while discovering their personalities all while you yourself are going through an identity revamp and the twist is, you cant really break up with them if (more like when) it gets tough. That's the dramatic theater stage which the relearning must occur. Relearning a new way of thinking, feeling and being is a process that requires time, space and guidance. So no, that type of relearning doesnt fit very nicely into the old internal/external schedules or expectations.

Here are some practical steps women can take to support this relearning process:

• Release outdated narratives: Notice the stories you’ve inherited about your body, your worth, your role. Ask yourself: Is this mine? Give yourself permission to rewrite what no longer feels true.

• Allow identity to be fluid: You are not meant to arrive at a fixed version of yourself. Let this be an unfolding. Release the pressure to “figure it all out.”

• Honor emotional waves instead of suppressing them: Tears, anger, numbness, joy—they are all messengers. Let them move through you like tides rather than problems to fix. Movement, sound, and breath can help release what is stored.

• Slow down your pace of life : Relearning cannot happen in urgency. Intentionally soften your schedule where possible—less rushing, more presence. Your nervous system needs spaciousness to rewrite patterns.

• Seek safe witnessing and support: Whether through a doula, healer, therapist, or trusted sisterhood, being witnessed without judgment accelerates healing. You are not meant to do this alone.

• Nourish your body intentionally : Warm, grounding foods, hydration, and rest are foundational. The womb thrives in environments of safety and nourishment.

• Practice self-devotion over self-discipline: Shift from forcing yourself into change to tending to yourself with care. Relearning is less about control and more about relationship.

• Celebrate small shifts: Every moment of awareness, every boundary honored, every breath taken with intention—these are profound milestones in the relearning journey.

  
  

Relearning is not linear. It's cyclical, spiraling, and deeply intimate. It takes time and patience to shift into a mindset shaped by you at the center and aligned with the natural rhythms of your motherhood journey. Within that sacred integration, a new way of living begins to root itself, quietly, steadily, and powerfully.